"Was Vanilla Ice unavailable?" - Luke Quantrill reviews "Another Way To Die"

 



Whassupp! I'm the slick trigger mother*****r player for Her Majesty and I'm in da house chillin'. Fresh. Fly. Whack. True. Respect. I'm frontin'. I'm spinning on a mother******g dime and on point coz dis Limey spy mother*****r homie iz da bomb! What you talking 'bout Willis?

Do you remember Michael G Wilson and Barbara Broccoli saying: "We are delighted and pleased to have two such exciting artists as Jack and Alicia, who were inspired by our film to join together their extraordinary talents in creating a unique sound for Quantum Of Solace." It's a unique sound alright. You could grate cheese with this song. Yes, hearty congratulations to Eon for a wonderfully charming and quintessentially British James Bond theme. If you listen hard enough you can hear the distant sound of John Barry laughing his head off.

There was a man on breakfast television today doing the showbiz slot. He said it was great that Amy Winehouse didn't get the Bond theme. Amy, he opined, would have just done a traditional James Bond theme that sounded like a traditional James Bond theme. Heaven forbid. No. Let's pander to idiots and the mass, the 'kids' who have probably never sat through a James Bond film let alone heard of Nancy Sinatra. So we end up with 'Another Way To Die', the crappiest James Bond song ever recorded and I use the word 'song' loosely.

There's a noise there and a few beeps and what sounds like someone singing with his head in a bucket. It's like trying to describe the taste of water. How about throwing in a chorus or a melody? Daniel Craig should shave his hair off and sport a goatee beard in the next film. Is everyone tone deaf at Eon? Was Vanilla Ice unavailable? DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince? A man who once played bongo drums on a cross channel ferry in 1976? Barbara Broccoli's favourite dustman? No, scrub him. He's pencilled in to be the next Bond. I think he's already been scheduled for botox.

The final knee in the groin of the listener is the uneccessary addition of Alicia Keys. Is there anything more rubbish than that bland 'every single song sounds the sodding same' R & B music that makes up 99% of the playlist on your chronic local station? Let's chuck a bit of that in there. Get that bird Alicia Keys in to drone a few lines on this. We might sell a few more records.

I picture Jack White, or whatever his name is, coming up with this tosh one afternoon inbetween doing his shopping at Sainsburys. "There you go," he says chucking the microphone down. "That'll do. Someone post this rubbish to Eon."

If anybody needs me I'll be at home for a week with a packet of Nurofen listening to Disco Moonraker.


- Luke Quantrill