The Joker vs James Bond 007

By
Ex-James Bond Fan

Batman and Joker
By
Bob Kane

James Bond
Twisted By
Barbara Broccoli
From character concept by
Ian Fleming


GUNBARREL SEQUENCE

An animated white dot moves in from frame-left and centres on frame-right.  Iris veins surround the dot to fill the frame.  Iris veins surround the dot to fill the frame.  James Bond enters the dot walking from right to left, the iris moving to centre-frame with him, and as Bond turns to his left shoot the assassin, he gets shot dead.  The assassin, who turns out to be The Joker, laughs.  The iris then disappears.

                                        CUT TO:

NIGHT.  Camera moving towards Lower Manhattan of New York City...  Over the towers...  Towards the city hall...  In few seconds, the building explodes into a giant fireball as chopper moves away from exploded building.  Screams and panics then storm the city's streets.

DAY.  MI6 Building appears as the sky is overcast.

1.  INT. M'S OFFICE - DAY

M is on a urgent phone call as Bond gets in to take a seat.

M
            Very well, then. Thank you. Good night.

M hangs up the phone and turns to Bond.

BOND
            Terrorist attack?

M
            There was a huge explosion at the city hall in New
            York City.  50 were dead.  Most of them are
            government officials. Fortunately, the mayor was not
            present at the attack.  Some people said that
             Saddam's loyalists are responsible.  Some said
            Al Qaeda or the Taliban.  Officially, no suspects have
            been reported, but we've been told that there is
            evidence left by the bomber at scene on who this
             man might be.
    
M takes a piece of the evidence, which a playing card, from a folder on her desk and gives it to Bond.  Bond looks at the card, and it said Joker.

BOND
            I suppose he has a big sense of humor.

Moneypenny enters the office with information papers, and Bond gives her a stare.

M
            I want you to find this bomber.  American authorities
            are going to need a big assistance in this, and they'll
            need the best agent from Her Majesty's government
            so you're best bet in this assignment.

Bond stands up smiling and heads to exit the office.

2.  EXT. THE HIMALAYAS - MORNING

High winds blow across the mountains.

3.  EXT. QUANTUM HEADQUARTERS - MORNING

Small aircrafts head towards the headquarters' entrance door.

4.  INT. MEETING ROOM - MORNING

A big room consists of a long table with 10 military officers sitting on two sides and an empty one on one end facing the door.  The officers are chatting as the boss, whose name is General Alvin, enters to take a seat.

GENERAL ALVIN
            Report?

OFFICER #1
            Headquarters in Northern Canada, Brazil, Australia,
            and Egypt destroyed along with military personnels.

GENERAL ALVIN
            It was the British government, wasn't it?

OFFICER #1
            And Bond, sir.

Alvin stands up and walk to the window.

GENERAL ALVIN
            First we eliminate Bond luring him into a trap then
            the British government by destroying London with
            a rocket. It's time for them to lose everything.

An evil laugh echoes the room.  The officers are puzzled of where the laugh comes from.  Alvin goes to his seat and pull out his handgun from under it, ready to shoot someone who is entering the room.  A man with a clown-like face enters the room, along with his fellow group of terrorists.  

THE JOKER
            I would put the gun away if I were you.....General
            Alvin.

Alvin points the gun at The Joker.

GENERAL ALVIN
            Who are you?

The Joker goes up to Alvin.

THE JOKER
            My friend.....why don't you put your toy down
            and we'll have a nice conversation?

Alvin puts down his weapon.

THE JOKER
            You see....I heard a lot of things about you guys,
            and you seem to have bed bugs bite at your feet.

Alvin is not in the mood with The Joker.

GENERAL ALVIN
            What do you want?

THE JOKER
            Now let's back go back in time when your so-called
            organization was in the top of game.  You have blond
            spy from merry ole England known as James Bond or
            Agent 007, who has humiliated you people with the
            deaths of Le Chiffre, Dominic Greene.....you name them.  

GENERAL ALVIN
            What's the agenda?

THE JOKER
            I have a suggestion. Pay me $100 million, and I'll have
            this blond 007 killed.  In fact, I already set trap for him
            by having my men disguised as cops.......

The Joker throw down the card on the table, and it said Joker.

THE JOKER
            And I left one of these to one of them so he sent it to MI6 in
            London.  Once it's there, his boss will send him to the city that                        doesn't sleep, the New York City.  So what do you say?  Deal.

The Joker hold out his right hand.

GENERAL ALVIN
            Deal.

Alvin shakes The Joker's hand.

5.  EXT. JOHN F. KENNEDY INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - DAY

A jet liner lands on a runway.

6.  INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY

Bond tries to find a man with sign that said "James Bond", and when he finds him, the man is nothing more than a 6'5'' individual he knows, Q.

BOND
            Q?  I didn't expect you.

Q
            Well, you should because you're going to need it
            whether your mission is assigned by M or personal.

BOND
            And I thought I never going to get any toys from
            you.

Q points to the direction they're going to.

Q
            Shall we?
        
Bond gives Q a light smile.

7.  INT. AIRPORT HANGAR - DAY

Bond and Q enters the hangar, and the hangar is filled with used cars and gadgets.

Q  
            These are the used gadgets and vehicles of the
            Q branch.  Most of them were used before my
            predecessor retired.

BOND
            Which one of them am I going to get?

Q
            You're going to something much better than these.

BOND
            And this "something" is?

Q
            Patience, 007.

Bond and Q walk to the car wrapped in a sheet.  

Q (grabbing the sheet off the car)
            Let me introduce to brand new BMW F02.
            This isn't your average car like your previous
            Aston Martin DBS.  Here's the instructions.
            (gives the instructions to Bond.)  It tells what
            to use and what not to use, depending on your
            situation.  And do please bring this back in
            pristine order.

BOND
            Not to worry, Q.

Q     
            Oh, grow up 007.

8.  EXT. NEW YORK CITY HALL - DAY

Bond arrives at the destroyed city hall in his BMW F02.  Surprisingly, his friend Felix Leiter is at the scene.  Bond then park his car at the curb.

BOND
            Felix.  I suppose you here for....well, this is
            your land, right?

FELIX
            I guess you could say that.

Bond pulls the joker card from his jacket.

BOND
            M gave me this.  She said someone who blow
            this building left it behind.

FELIX
            We don't know much about this man, but some
            people said he's the same guy who terrorized
            Gotham City not too long ago. They call him The
            Joker.

BOND   
            The who?

FELIX
            The Joker.  Why he calls himself that is a mystery.  He
            wears makeup to scare the hell of people and thinks
            that killing people and blowing things up are humorous.  
            And he makes Timothy McVeigh look like Sunday
            school teacher.  

BOND
            Sounds like a terrible comedian to me.

FELIX
            You could say that again.  I got to tell you.  He's
            a one psychotic son of a bitch.  

The two cops walk up to Felix and Bond.

FELIX
            Looks like you got visiters.

COP #1
            Mr. Bond.....can we have a minute?

Bond nods and walk off with the two cops to heart of the city hall.    

BOND
            My boss sent me here.

COP #2
            Of course, the NYPD is going your assistence
            in solving this case, is it that right?  

Bond doesn't answer.

COP #2
            By the way.........care for a coffee?

Cop #2 give him a coffee.  Bond drinks it then suddenly he collapsed.  Cop #2 grabs the an empty small bag from his left pocket, saying sleep powder.  He appears to feel good as his plan to put Bond sleep works.  Cop #1 then dials the phone.

COP #1
            Sir, we got him.

THE JOKER (voice on-phone)
            Have you attached the bomb to his vehicle yet?

COP #1
            It's there.

THE JOKER (voice on-phone)
            Now blow it up and take the spy to me at the
            Statue of Liberty.

COP #1
            Acknowledged!

Cop #1 pulls out the detonator and pushes the red button.  Bond's BMW then blows up into a gigantic fireball.  

                                        CUT TO:

9.  INT. STATUE OF LIBERTY - NIGHT

Bond finds himself in a room inside the Statue of Liberty, tied up on the table, and a light shines to his face.  He struggles to get out.  Then out of in the dark comes of The Joker with a slight evil laugh.

THE JOKER (looks directly at Bond's cold-blooded face)
            Well, well, well.  If this isn't an infamous British
            secret agent known as James Bond, or should I
            call you Blondie?  Oh....what's a matter?  Is it the
            scars?  You want to know how I first got them?  No?  
            OK then.  You know.....I think that you and I have
            many things in common.  Mostly, you're just a freak....
            like me.

One of Joker's suddenly tap on his shoulder then whispers to his ears.

THE JOKER (excited)
            Oh!!!  I almost forget.  Let's show you a
            wonderful Christmas gift. (shows Bond the
            laser.)

The Joker turns on laser machine, and it fires its laser beam on the table between Bond's legs, going straight to him.

BOND
             Do you expect me to talk?

The Joker leans forward with his right hand next to his right ear, acting like he can't hear anything Bond said.

THE JOKER
            What is it, Blondie?  Did you say that I expect
            you to talk?  Well, I don't expect anything from
            you except to die a horrible death.....in HELL.

The Joker unleashes his evil laugh like a maniac.  As the laser beam goes straight to Bond, he grabs a coin with his left hand from his sleeve.  He toss it straight to the laser beam, which reflected into four beams heading four direction, cutting the bonds that tied him. Bond is now free then uses his Omega wristwatch to shoot The Joker.  As The Joker got shot by the wire fired from Bond's watch, he is immediately electrocuted and fells to the ground.  The Joker's henchmen watch in horror that their boss is dead then suddenly The Joker himself got back on his own feet.

THE JOKER
            I expect that you would do that to me.  You see.....
            I know all about you and where you came from.
            And since you're to use your watch to electrocute
            me, I decided the to put on an electrocute-proof vest,
            just in case. (un-buttons his shirt to show Bond a
            electrocute-proof vest)      
 
Bond then tries to escape.

THE JOKER
            Stop him.  He’s supposed to die.

Bond was knocked out by one of The Joker's henchmen from behind as he tries to escape.  The rest of The Joker's henchmen shoot him with their M-16s at the same time.  After that, the glass ceiling got broke through by someone none other than the Batman.  Batman then immediately grabs The Joker by the neck.

THE JOKER
            Batman....what a pleasant surprise?  Care to join
            my circus acts?

The doors got knocked down by the NYPD.  While the NYPD arrest The Joker and his henchmen, Felix enters the room and looks in horror as he looks at Bond's lifeless body shot by many bullets.

FELIX
            Oh.....my God!!!

The screen whitens.

                                        CUT TO:

10.  EXT. CEMETARY - DAY

Mourners, including M and along those at MI6 as well as Felix, look sadly at Bond's casket as they lost their best man in the Her majesty's Secret Service.  

ROBINSON (to M)
            Now we know The Joker has ties with Quantum.

M acknowledges.

THE END
 

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