Barbara Broccoli Saves The World! - By Luke Quantrill

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman sang someone. Was it Dolly Parton? No, I think it was someone else. Especially, one is tempted to add, a woman who didn't inherit a multi-million dollar film franchise from her dad or marry a millionaire television presenter. With James Bond fans still digesting (pass the Gaviscon please) the two-minute short produced by Barbara Broccoli and written by Jane Goldman, and specially commissioned for International Women’s Day to highlight inequality, a leaked memo has revealed that this is merely the first of many campaigns to be fronted by Daniel Craig. International Women’s Day is all well and good but it remains to be seen what Bond fans will make of some of the other adverts Broccoli has planned and devised. To recap, the short film for International Women’s Day depicted Daniel Craig in drag ("Oooh you are awful but I like you!") listening to statistics about the role of women in society. The film ended with him being placed in some stocks before Dame Judi Dench threw hot gravel and rocks at him. We can exclusively reveal though that more campaigns are on the way and it will be interesting indeed to see what sort of reception they are met with.

First up is Sesame Street Awareness Day. A short film will feature Daniel Craig dressed as Big Bird paddling in the fountains at Trafalgar Square while Dame Judi Dench takes pot shots at him from a roof with an air rifle. Klingon Awareness Day is next and will highlight the casual racism long endured by the bumpy headed aliens. A truly stunning short film by Quentin Farqwar will depict Daniel Craig in Klingon garb ("Qo!") being tortured by Dame Judi Dench's Romulan prison guard by means of lasers being fired at his arse. Save the Orangutan Day will be marked by Daniel Craig in a cage wearing a big monkey suit and having bananas thrown at him by Dame Judi while World Stuffing Day is more prosaic and moving. In this campaign Daniel Craig will stare touchingly into the camera while dressed as a giant packet of Paxo. Perhaps the most inventive campaign is that for Fear of Flying Day, to be directed by Sebastian Montford Berk. In this one, Daniel Craig will be seen as Mr T being sedated and bundled into an aeroplane by Dame Judi Dench's George Peppard.

Chuckle Brothers Awareness Day will see the Craigster don a tache to approximate a reasonable facsimile of the children's entertainers before Dame Judi Dench tars and feathers him and pushes him into a swimming pool. How does Daniel Craig feel about the burden of all this extra work. "He's fine about it," said our source. "It's a challenge for him as an actor, which he loves, and some of these issues are very close to his heart. I know he was very committed to the ad he made with Barbara about the plight of Smurfs. Daniel has always fought hard for the rights of blue people who live in toadstools and had no problem dressing up as a Smurf while Dame Judi Dench hurled abuse at him from behind the camera. Besides, while he's Bond it's all part of the contract. He has to mow Michael G Wilson's lawn three times a week too."

In addition to highlighting some noble causes, these campaigns are sure to feature some extraordinary acting and wet the appetite for Bond 23. Our source has revealed that the next film could be something of a departure too. "Keep this under your hat," he said, looking around nervously. "But the current draft has Bond adopting a cheeky orphan who has run away from the circus. It's about the problems of being both a single-parent and a secret agent. How do you combine the two and strike the right balance? It's sort of a cross between Kramer v Kramer and Quantum of Solace. Barbara got the idea one morning while she was knitting some muesli." Most of the short films for these campaigns will be in cinemas and of course online and be freely available for everyone to laugh at. If you would like to donate money to the Royal Society For the Protection of Smurfs and their Toadstool Villages (RSFTPOSATTV for short) please send a cheque for any amount to the webmaster of this site.

Luke Quantrill will return...

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