Sean Pertwee is not James
year, around springtime, I had a terrible temporary job in a depot.
They didn't have to pay most of the staff because a portion of them
committed suicide before the week was up. One morning, I was sitting in
the locker room during my break wondering whether to end it all by
eating a canteen breakfast or jumping out of the window when I noticed
the tabloid newspapers strewn around me. Everyone in a depot reads
tabloid newspapers. I like to think I'm the sort of person that
but that morning I carefully scooped them all up and stacked them next
to my lukewarm vending machine drinking chocolate for one special
reason: the tabloid newspapers were obsessed by the ongoing search to
find the sixth James Bond actor. In the space of a few weeks they had
declared Eric Bana and Dougray Scott as the new man, and I flicked
through the pages to see who was the subject of this week's
enough there was my article. 'Amy Pascal wants Clive Owen for Bond'
said the piece. And there was the picture of Owen in a tuxedo looking
suitably spiffy and Bondish. But: not so fast. On the adjoining page
there was a mock-up of another actor in a tuxedo. A pasty faced man
with a ginger crewcut. He looked like he'd been drooling. This was,
according to the blurb, Barbara Broccoli's preferred candidate - Daniel
Craig. Very funny, I thought and turned the page to find out
which soap star had been caught injecting cocaine up his arse that week.
few days later the Craig story was confirmed over the internet. He was
said to be a friend of Broccoli. Oh shit, I thought. This is actually
real. As if by chance the BBC drama Archangel turned up on television
soon after. I tuned in to take a look at Craig who, from memory, seemed
like a truly bizarre Bond candidate. It merely confirmed my doubts. He
was a bizarre candidate. If Archangel was anything to go by, Broccoli
could have been legally sectioned for considering him. Not only was he
the most un-Bond like chap on the planet (to the point of Eon being
vulnerable to the trades descriptions act) he was also quite seriously
he disappeared from the race only to re-emerge as the favourite, I
watched Some Voices, The Trench, and Tomb Raider ('I'm no good at that
superhero stuff' said Craig in an interview once. On the subject of
Tomb Raider which Craig slags off in several interviews as though the
whole thing was beneath him, everyone did their job in that film right
down to Chris Barrie as the butler. What was Craig's problem? But I
digress) I still didn't get it. Daniel Craig? Who was their second
choice, Max Beesley? Did Sean Pertwee price himself out of the running?
I watched Craig acted off the screen by Stephen Rea in Copenhagen.
Perhaps Rea should be playing James Bond. He doesn't look the part but
who cares anymore right? A bargain basement British 'sort of famous but
not quite, you might have seen him somewhere but you honestly won't
remember where' Bond. Was Jason Flemying available? Wonder if David
Morrissey would do this for some holiday vouchers and a free kettle?
the press looked bored when Craig was unveiled. Martin Campbell looked
like he wanted to punch someone and Craig and Michael G Wilson seem to
have taken some sort of sedative. Only Broccoli seemed to be enjoying
herself. Nearly a year after this soporific anti-climax the rumpus over
the casting still lingers. In response (a backlash causes an entrenched
position. You must now actively bump up that which you seek to defend,
even to ludicrous degrees and denigrate alternatives. Under this
doctrine Hugh Jackman is now a crap actor and an idiot. Clive Owen is
now a crap actor and an idiot. Gerard Butler is now a crap actor and an
idiot. In fact everyone in the world other than Daniel Craig is now a
crap actor and an idiot. I could go on but you get the general idea)
CommanderBond.Net has become DanielCraig.com. On their frontpage you
are invited to post a topic to show your support for Daniel Craig.
That's right. Not post a subjective view on James Bond. Show your
brand of British thesping (see Rhys-Ifans) has been upgraded to Steve
Mcqueen cool. The man who defined acting for his generation according
to Barbara Broccoli. There speaks a woman who never watched Tomb
Raider. Or Love Is The Devil. Craig has been announced as the best
dressed man in the world by Esquire Magazine. You honestly couldn't
make this stuff up. On CBN's Craig support site someone suggests that
Craig will certainly win an Oscar for this film and (I'm honestly not
making this up) that Time Magazine should make him man of the year.
Craig is now complaining about his action figure looking sullen. Does
this man have a mirror in his house?
the most honest approach to Craig is taken by a forum called 'Craig,
Daniel Craig'. They have nine members and none of them have posted
since April. An absolutely dreadful picture of Craig in front of a
Union Jack adorns the top of the page. The Union Jack is upside down
and if you don't know what an upside down Union Jack means you should
read more books.
- Luke Quantrill