ALTERNATIVE 007


Daniel Craig: The Nightmare Employee




Forget licence to kill, if James Bond lived by the same HR rules as the rest of us he would barely make it out of the office he’d be so swamped with paperwork, new research has found.
From eye-watering insurance and expenses claims to mountains of health and safety forms, if Bond was a typical employee he’d spend more time pen-pushing than gun-slinging.
Ahead of the launch of Spectre later this year, office suppliers Viking, has gone back over Daniel Craig’s three depictions of Bond. Applying traditional HR rules and regulations to 007 in Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace and Skyfall, Viking found that Bond would be looking at insurance claims totalling in excess of 1.5million.
His high-stakes gambling in Casino Royale and the multitude of damage to property he’s responsible for in Skyfall would have seen MI6’s most infamous agent’s expenses claim rocket past the 17m mark.
Filling at least 23 health and safety forms and applying for numerous travel visas would also have kept Bond chained to his desk for hours at a time.
It’s not just the mountains of paperwork and eye-watering costs associated with 007 that make him a questionable employee though.
Bond would have been looking down the barrel at no less than 47 disciplinaries thanks to acts such as breaking into M’s house in Skyfall, hacking into her files in Casino Royale and numerous occurrences of wilful damage of property.
Ruud Linders of Viking Europe, said:
“Bond certainly wouldn’t be winning any employee of the month trophies with 47 disciplinaries and he definitely wouldn’t be making any friends in the accounts department trying to claim back those expenses.
“If the Bond films followed real life HR protocols – and we’re not for a second saying they should! – they would be utterly dull; just Daniel Craig hunched over a desk writing out form after form.”
Viking asked James Bond fans how they thought Craig’s version compared to his predecessors as an employee.
Sean Evans of Back to the Movies Blog (bttm.co.uk), said:
“I think Sean Connery in You Only Live Twice racked up quite a total and would have surely sent M into therapy.
I would have to say insurance forms [would be the biggest office admin headache for Bond], the amount of explosions, property damage and ruined equipment would rack up a hefty total to the point where he wouldn't be trusted with bubble wrap let alone a pistol!”
Matt Spaiser, owner of James Bond fan site, thesuitsofjamesbond.com, said:
“I don't think any of the other Bonds would be as terrible as an employee as Daniel Craig's is, but Timothy Dalton would also be a bad employee.
“He disregards M's orders to kill a KGB general because his instincts tell him he shouldn't. He destroys an Aston Martin V8 and does nothing to prevent his fellow agent Saunders from being killed.
“Good employees don't let their co-workers get killed right under their noses. This is all in one film."
Tom Huffner, owner of James Bond fan site, bondmovies.com, said:
“I would say insurance forms and the claims that might follow each of his missions. No matter the property, gadget, car or gun he is assigned from Q branch, they always seem to get either lost or damaged.
“I'm sure that filling out the claims forms would be an easy task, but working with an adjuster and actually determining a claim's legitimacy would likely push Bond to indulge in a martini or two.”
Luke Quantrill, of Alternative 007, had this to say:
“I'd bill Daniel Craig's idiot Bond for everything - including a refund on my cinema ticket for Quantum of Solace. That's 90 minutes of my life I'll never get back. This imbecile shouldn't be allowed to leave the house let alone be employed as an MI6 agent. I don't know about being swamped with paperwork. Can he even read? The man can't even eat food without keeping his gob shut. Wouldn't it be great if all that paperwork fell on him?”


Download full infographic here


*Thanks to viking-direct.co.uk for this interesting article.

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