One Million Years B.C. - John Richardson! Robert Brown! Martine Beswick!

One Million Years B.C. is a 1966 film by the legendary Hammer Studios directed by Don Chaffey. The film is a daft but colourful and ambitious romp depicting the struggles of early cavemen types as they battle each other and various assorted dinosaurs and gigantic creatures which co-exist alongside humans here in ahistorical Flintstones fashion. "This is a story of long, long ago, when the world was just beginning," informs a narrator (Vic Perrin - who was also the narrator on the popular 1960s anthology show The Outer Limits) at the start of the film over rolling clouds and lava flows.

Tumak (John Richardson) is a hunter with the violent Rock tribe but after a ruck with his chieftain father Akhoba (Robert Brown) he is exiled and wanders the sun-drenched lunar-like landscapes dodging anachronistic dinosaurs until he encounters a more peaceful and advanced group known as the Shell tribe living by the sea. Tumak becomes an accepted member of the tribe when he saves a little girl from an Allosaurus and also takes an understandable shine to Loana (Raquel Welch), a supermodel cavegirl with a fur-skin bikini and fake eyelashes. When he is cast out from the Shell tribe for trying to pilfer somebody's spear, Tumak takes Loana on a long trek back to his old tribe in an attempt to secure his birthright...

One of Hammer's most lavish and successful films and the first of several stone-age capers they subsequently produced, One Million Years B.C. is utterly ridiculous at the best of times but rather fondly remembered primarily for Raquel Welch in her furry bikini and the legendary Ray Harryhausen's special effects and dinosaurs. The biggest strength of the film overall though is perhaps the extensive location work in the Canary Islands which supplies a vivid, desolate, volcanic backdrop for much of the action. I expected to be slightly bored by this when I watched it for the first time but it is often a strangely compelling and mildly surreal experience, especially if watched at some unearthly hour. We first meet the Rock tribe catching a warthog in a trap and then fighting over scraps of it in their cave. Anyone who becomes injured on the hunt or is too old to keep up with them is left for dead - the Rock tribe's social security system leaving a lot to be desired.

There is no dialogue in One Million Years B.C. apart from rudimentary attempts by the Shell tribe with people grunting at each other or making hand signs instead (although the Shell tribe do have some annoying conch shell trumpets) which adds a veneer of realism to proceedings I suppose. Any claims to historical verisimilitude in One Million Years B.C. are probably punctured though when a slew of dinosaurs, a giant turtle and a very large spider indeed make guest appearances in the film. Harryhausen's stop-motion animation is a lot of fun although there are also shots of a real tarantula and iguana (that we are supposed to believe are both giant sized) which don't work quite so well. Somehow you readily suspend your disbelief more with an animated model. However you shoot a small lizard it essentially just looks like a small lizard!

Tumak's ejection from the Rock tribe is quite enjoyable and amusing, not least for the presence of none other than Robert Brown as the fiery Akhoba, Brown going on to play M in a couple of Timothy Dalton James Bond films. The usually urbane Brown makes a surprisingly convincing Neanderthal with make-up designed to mimic Lou Chaney Jr in the original 1940 Hal Roach version of the film. The Rock tribe would probably not be the ideal group of people to throw a dinner party as they tend to physically fight over the food on the floor, grunt at each other a lot and also like to force Nupondi (Martine Beswick) to dance in a provocative manner for their entertainment.

Once ejected for threatening the authority of Akhoba (that would make a great name for a shampoo!), Tumak's trek across the surreal prehistoric landscape is strikingly shot and reminiscent of the atmosphere created in films like Planet of the Apes and Robinson Crusoe On Mars with Mario Nascimbene's superb music score a big plus too. He encounters a gigantic lizard and an Archelon, which is basically a giant turtle or, to be pedantic, archelon ischyros, a gigantic testudinate of the late Cretaceous. You'd have to be a right idiot not to know that. Tumak is aided by the members of the Shell tribe and they all attempt to Shepard a turtle the size of a house into the sea with their spears. These moments are the film at its most enjoyable and despite the slightly rudimentary nature of the special effects to modern eyes, Harryhausen's models and animations still have a considerable amount of charm and a real sense of wonder, especially in an age when films now are awash with soulless CGI and frequently look like cartoons.

When the exhausted and parched Tumak first spots the bronzed women of the Shell tribe fishing in the sea with spears, Raquel Welch immediately makes a suitably iconic presence in her skimpy cavegirl outfit and isn't too far behind Jane Fonda as Barbarella and Ursula Andress as Honey Ryder when it comes to the decade's female cinematic pop culture pin-ups. The Shell women look remarkably well groomed all things considering and resemble a stranded Beach Volleyball team more than an ancient Neanderthal tribe. Their vaguely hippyish qualities and inclinations - they have cave art, accessories made from shells and all get along alarmingly happily - are in marked contrast to the grunting aggression of the Rock tribe where the roast warthog is fought over by everyone and you can forget all about pudding and the After Eight mints.

Harryhausen's model animation has another enjoyable run out when a little girl is trapped in a tree and a snapping Allosaurus takes an interest until Tumak races to the rescue with a spear. Before the film is out we happily also get to see a Brontosaurus, a Triceratops, and some flying Pterodactyls. John Richardson, who fought it out with George Lazenby to be the new James Bond for On Her Majesty's Secret Service only a few years after this, is effective enough as Tumak although with no dialogue in the whole film and his presumably dashing and Bondian good looks largely buried underneath a huge beard and mop of unruly hair it's difficult to judge how he might have fared as the famous super spy had he edged out his antipodean rival.

On the whole One Million Years B.C. is incredibly silly but oddly compelling at times even without dialogue. The visual effects and Ray Harryhausen's animated stop-motion dinosaurs are still hugely enjoyable and the location work - including Tenerife's unique endemic flora - is wonderful, creating a stark, hostile atmosphere for our loincloth wearing heroes to battle against. Raquel Welch as Loana the Fair One is obviously the greatest cavegirl in cinematic history and the music is great too. One Million Years B.C. is not exactly 2001: A Space Odyssey but really not a film to be taken too seriously. If you can get past the quieter stretches and more ludicrous flourishes this is not bad at all. It's worth a look just for Harryhausen's dinosaurs alone.


- Jake

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