Luke Quantrill's James Bond Sweepstakes Madhouse 

The James Bond auditions are well underway so it is now high time to make a pot of tea, get out the chocolate digestives and assess the runners and riders. Who will fall at the first hurdle? Who will get stuck in one of those crazy golf windmills? Who will gazump the pretenders and earn the right to wear an LED watch with a magnet and a cream safari suit?

To clarify, I am only assessing actors who tiresomely keep cropping up in speculation and/or feature high up in betting lists. And I am only assessing actors who fit the general age range alleged to be the remit. This means that elderly grandpa actors like Theo James and Henry Cavill are not part of the discussion. Those two old codgers would need a stairlift to get up Blofeld's hollowed out volanco base. Oh, and Jack Barton is not on our list either because that's a wind-up isn't it? The mod on the Bond reddit said that was a fake story.

Can we find the right man for the job among this motley bunch? Well, let's find out. It's time to sort out the wheat from the chaff and find a candidate to endorse. Straighten those tuxedos and get ready for action. One more thing too. For the auditions, I have made these actors perform the scene in For Your Eyes Only where Bond tells Bibi he'll buy her an ice cream. It's a complex scene and a proper test for any actor. You just try getting the zipper on that blue ski jacket to work.

Below you will find my highly scientific conclusions. I can assure you that I spent months researching all of this. No one, not even professors at posh universities, has ever done the amount of research and hard work I have for this article. I'm surprised I haven't been awarded an MBE yet. It goes without saying too this is all merely my own opinion and not to be taken seriously by anyone. I genuinely have no idea what I'm talking about in most of this article.

HARRIS DICKINSON

WHO? - A veritable human chameleon, Harris Dickinson has done all manner of things (none of which I can actually name off the top of my head) and is set to play Yoko Ono in the forthcoming Beatles films by Sam Mendes. Harris, who looks like a prefect at Lord Snooty's boarding school, has enjoyed very short betting odds when it comes to Bond for quite a long time. Why? I'm stumped on that one guvnor. I don't know. Do you know? Does anyone? It's similar to the days when James Norton was always one of the favourites for Bond. Why? That vicar bloke off the telly? Someone contact the Arthur C Clarke big book of mysteries.

The Harris Dickinson conundrum is now allegedly academic anyway. He is said to have removed himself from contention due to exhaustion. I know exactly how that feels. I was absolutely knackered the other day after lugging the cat food back from the shop. You try carrying three boxes of Felix up a steep hill. They ought to put that in the decathlon as a new event. So farewell Harris Dickinson. We hardly knew ye. Most likely not a great loss if we are being completely honest. Thirty years from now no one is going to go on a James Bond forum and lament Harris Dickinson as the one that got away. He could have been better than Connery! Damn that Sam Mendes.

VERDICT: He's done a bunk. He doesn't want the job. He's scarpered.

LOUIS PARTRIDGE

WHO? - Best known for House of Guinness and the Enola Holmes films. The 23 year-old Partridge (a-ha!) seems to be to the current Bond search what Henry Cavill was to the 2005 search. The handsome young whippersnapper who is drawing interest but might ultimately be too young for serious consideration. Who would be the Bond girl if Partridge was cast? Tracy Beaker? Marmalade Atkins? Bond would have to produce his ID everytime he wanted to enjoy a vodka-martini with lemonade and crisps and a curly straw. Jokes aside, Partridge as Bond isn't nearly as bonkers as it sounds. Henry Cavill was younger than Louis when he tested for Casino Royale and he finished in second place to Daniel Craig didn't he? 

And it isn't as if Louis Partridge is frozen in ice. He'll probably be a strapping 30 year year-old by the time he makes his second or third Bond film. So why not? I'm open to a bold youthful casting gambit. Let's throw the chips in the air and see where they land. I don't actually think he'll get the part but I'd much rather have Louis Partridge as Bond than, say, a Callum Turner. Partridge also looks a lot like a young Rupert Friend - who was a popular Bond candidate back in the day. I'd give Louis Partridge a chance if he was cast. And if he got the part he'd only be about three or four years younger than George Lazenby was in OHMSS by the time the next sodding film finally came out.

VERDICT - Not nearly as mad as it sounds. It could actually work.

TOM FRANCIS

WHO? - Best known for Sunset Boulevard on the stage, Tom Francis is 27 and from Colchester. He has something in common with Jack Lowden then in that both of them were born in Essex. And that's just about the end of all the information I have about Tom Francis. I've already run dry and drawn a blank. It took about three sentences. Alleged to have auditioned for Bond, Francis seems like a nice enough geezer in interviews and is apparently a big cheese in musical theatre. Not since Bernie Winters and Schnorbitz appeared in Aladdin at the Orchard Theatre in Dartford has anyone earned raves of the like that Tom Francis is currently enjoying.

It could be the case that Tom Francis is a chameleon who could magically transform himself into Bond. To me though he sometimes looks like a cheesy Michael McIntyre style gameshow host. I just can't see him getting the part. The speculation will be good for his career though. Edit - I have done some additional research on Tom Francis, inbetween feeding the cats, and I have come to an alarming conclusion. He looks like Nick Cotton from EastEnders. That's a tough mental leap to overcome. You'd be watching the new Bond film and in the back of your mind you'd be thinking, you killed Reg Cox! You tried to poison poor old Dot. You rascal.

VERDICT: Don't give up the day job just yet Tom.

JACK O'CONNELL

WHO? - Jack O'Connell is a seriously brilliant actor. His performance as the villain Jimmy Crystal in 28 Years Later: The Bone Temple is incredible. He was also great in Ryan Coogler's Sinners. O'Connell has the acting chops to play Bond - (adopts Alan Partridge voice) of that there is no doubt. But does he look like James Bond? No, he probably doesn't. He doesn't quite look like James Bond for me. In terms of looks, he'd be an unconventional pick and another Craig-style Bond. He's also a shortarse. 

If Jack O'Connell looked like Aidan Turner or Henry Cavill he'd be at the top of my list. Call me Mr Shallow but I would prefer someone suave and stereotypically James Bond next time around so I'm afraid that rules out Jack O'Connell for me. If you look at the history of the Bond casting, Moore was very different to Connery, Dalton was very different to Moore, and Craig was very different to Brosnan. They tend to try and freshen things up by not making the new Bond a carbon copy of the previous one. So it would make sense for the next Bond to be nothing like Craig. Would Jack O'Connell really be different enough from Craig? Amazon have to remember they NOT recasting Daniel Craig. They are recasting James Bond. 

The problem with the Daniel Craig era is that literally anyone can be James Bond now. You no longer have to look like Timothy Dalton to get the part. To some people that's not neccessarily a bad thing but actually a good thing. They'd be happy with Derek Deadman or Timothy Spall playing Bond so long as they were giving a great performance. I'm not in that camp. I want Bond to be a suave, tall, handsome devil. And with black hair too. If you make Bond too ordinary you lose the niche the franchise always enjoyed. Bond becomes more generic. You get a Bond who might as well be Jason Bourne.

O'Connell is also 36 so that would go against him too if they are looking for a young Bond who might have some serious mileage in him. Do we really want another situation where the actor is only three films in and already playing a decrepit veteran Bond who looks like he's been living in a dustbin like Oscar the Grouch? That was boring enough the first time around. Why would Jack O'Connell want to be Bond anyway? He's not short of job offers.

VERDICT - Brilliant actor but not James Bond.

JACOB ELORDI

WHO? - Jacob Nathaniel Elordi is all over the manor at the moment. He's in films, TV shows, commercials and seems to be developing an interesting Johnny Depp style career. Elordi is exactly the type of actor that a bean counting social media analytics obsessed Amazon executive might want as Bond. Hip, young (29), in fashion. Despite this, Elordi's Bond odds seem to be drifting at the moment. I think the main reason for this is a suspicion that Elordi would be reluctant to chain himself to a long term committment like the Bond franchise. Why would he? He seems to have his pick of roles and can come and go as he pleases.

But what about Elordi playing Bond? What if he wanted the part? This idea seems to split opinion in the fandom. The main reason for this is Elordi stands 6'5 and looks like a giraffe wearing stilts on the red carpet with his shortarse co-stars. Who would be the Bond girl? Brienne of Tarth? Jacob looks like a lanky emaciated basketball player offscreen. I'm not so sure this is a big deal breaker though. Liam Neeson is practically the same height as Elordi but when you watch a Liam Neeson film you don't scream and go 'oh, my god, look at that giant actor!' Neeson was even courted for James Bond when Dalton left.

The same with Christopher Lee. Lee was about 6'5 and he had a pretty good career didn't he? Peter Cushing did not look like an Oompa Loompa or Sammy Shrink each time he had a scene with Christopher Lee. When he has his hair cut and shaves off that wispy bumfluff tache, Elordi has a retro James Bondish look and he can always bulk up and put on some muscle too. So I'm receptive to the idea of Elordi as Bond. I wouldn't be totally against it. You would have to think that if Elordi actually wanted the part and was in the mix he'd be the one that Amazon and Denis Villeneuve might favour. But is he in the mix? I don't know madam. I just don't know.

VERDICT - I could live with Elordi as Bond. I'd be strangely curious to see how it panned out.

JACK LOWDEN

WHO? - Catapulted up to the top of the Bond betting due to an offhand comment by the former Ipswich Town defender Russell Osman. You know, when Christopher Nolan's Dunkirk (in which Lowden played an RAF pilot) came out you could maybe see Lowden as Bond - at a pinch. He can be quite handsome and is a capable actor. That was nearly ten years ago though and I've gone off the idea (not that I was ever thrilled by the prospect). Lowden is best known now for the spy series Slow Horses - which does make you cynically wonder if him being linked to Bond is a publicity stunt to promote the show.

The main problem with Jack Lowden is that he'd be a very dull and unimaginative pick. Lowden would be the sort of actor you choose as Bond because others had turned you down and you needed a last minute safe pair of hands. The new Bond press conference would be very anti-climatic if Jack Lowden walked out. It wouldn't exactly get the juices flowing in excitment for the next film. He'd probably come out at the press conference with a giant beard acting all bored. Lowden is also 36 years-old and not in the trumpeted exciting new young Bond bracket.

One other thing which might go against Lowden is that he's a big supporter of independence for his home county of Essex. He was actually seen at an independence rally on Canvey Island recently. He tried to disguise himself but you could see it was him. Lowden has advocated building a giant wall made of cheese around the whole of Essex and declaring unilateral independence from Westminster. Lowden could do the humour and action required for Bond but does he have the 'oozing' sex appeal which casting director Nina Gold said was a prerequisite for the role? In terms of his looks and mannerisms, there is something of Simon Pegg about Lowden and no one is going to mistake Simon Pegg for Rudolph Valentino.

Nina Gold is not only the casting director on the next Bond film but was also the casting director on Slow Horses. I'm sure they've looked at hundreds of actors but, nonetheless, if Lowden is cast as Bond that would seem really lazy. If you can't find anymore more macho and Bond looking than Jack Lowden then you probably haven't looked hard enough. Try looking in the cupboard Nina. Or the local post-office. Don't suggest someone from a TV show you worked on and then cash the cheque.

VERDICT - Jack Lowden is an uninspired and oddly predictable pick for Bond. We need to think outside the box more, as Jimmy Hill once said. It probably wasn't Jimmy Hill. I don't know who said that.

LEO SUTER

WHO? - Generically handsome and posh looking actor best known for playing Harald Sigurdsson in Vikings: Valhalla and as the titular DI Thomas Lynley in the BBC crime drama Lynley. Can be suave and also has a rippling washboard stomach of pure muscle. These two qualities also apply to me so I can easily relate to Leo. We have a lot in common. So you've got two boxes ticked and at 32 he seems about the perfect age. I would guess Suter could do Bond and it would probably be alright.

But would anyone, apart from his bank manager and agent, be punching the air in delight at the thought of Suter as Bond? He's not the most daring suggestion. Does Leo have enough charisma or acting prowess to make the role his own and do something interesting with it? Suter is one of those Bond candidates where, while not the worst idea in the world, you'd like to think they could maybe find someone better and more exciting if they looked around more.

You can't imagine Denis Villeneuve sitting at the press conference with a beaming smile and going "You know, I'm pinching myself, this is really a dream come true for me and the absolute pinnacle of my career because I've always wanted to work with Leo Suter." Don't get me wrong, I'd give old Leo a chance if he was cast but I think the people making this film would consider him too middle of the road and safe as a pick. They'd want to ponder more outside the box in picking the next 007. Leo Suter would probably be ok though. He'd be good at the action and can wear a suit with the best of them.

VERDICT - Not the worst candidate if not the best. I could live with Leopold as Bond.

PAUL MESCAL

WHO? - Paul Mescal has floated in and out and in (again) when it comes to the Bond rumours. He's like Thora Hird in Last of the Summer Wine. He keeps coming back to double check he's shut the front door. On the face of it, he seems to have the right ingredients. Right age, quite macho, a good actor, dark hair. For some reason though I just can't get enthused about Mescal as Bond. He doesn't quite seem right for it. Gladiator II was the film that was supposed to propel him to megastardom but Mescal barely made an impression in that sequel. He's no Russell Crowe that's for sure. Mescal's resting face also makes him look a bit gormless.

Mescal is another one of those actors too where it doesn't make any sense for him to do Bond. He's already established and picking up plum roles. Why narrow your options by signing up to Bond? Mescal is also involved in the Sam Mendes Beatles films. His role is top secret but it is believed that Paul will be playing Cilla Black in the film. Mescal's career is going just fine without Bond so you would presume it isn't something he'd be that fussed about anyway.

VERDICT: Good actor but not my cup of tea for 007.

CALLUM TURNER

WHO? - Callum Robilliard Turner seems to be in every new trailer and has sat atop the James Bond betting sweepstakes for what seems like forever. Why? Not a single one of his performances has stuck in my noggin. He is also, for a Bond candidate, a strange looking bloke with a ferret face and ears which could pick up Sky Sports. Daniel Craig was an unconventional looking Bond so do we really want two of them on the bounce? Craig had a much better body of acting work than Turner when he landed Bond so Callum doesn't even have that card in his favour. Why is Turner so ubiquitous in next Bond speculation?

The prevailing theory is that it comes down to two things. One is him playing a dashing airman in Masters of Air - which I've never watched and I don't think too many other people did either. The other is his marriage to the pop star Dua Lipa - which gives him a sense of glamour and celebrity. If he was Bond, Callum's famous trouble and strife would be an asset on the red carpet and, who knows, maybe Mrs Lipa could sing the theme song too and make a cameo as the sultry Voltunia Lemsip.

Despite having Dua Lipa up his sleeve (if you'll pardon the expression), Callum Turner is right at the bottom of the heap for me. I don't want him as Bond. Too weird looking and not really proven as a leading man. Sure, Callum would have the swagger and could fill out a suit but he's got those beady eyes and mouse like face. Why can't James Bond just look like James Bond? Callum will be 37 early next year so is liable to be in his forties by the time his second film saw the light of day. This doesn't fit in with the 'younger Bond' approach which has been promised.

There's a batty old woman near me who goes into a panic and starts going "Shoo!" when one of my cats goes in her garden. You'd think she'd stumbled across an escaped Tiger. And that's exactly what I'd do if I found Callum Turner in my garden. I'd be going "Shoo! Shoo Callum Turner. Get out of my garden." Atlantis, the Nazca Lines, Rendlesham Forest, crop circles, Roswell, the Surrey Puma, Rudolf Hess, Lord Lucan, Jack the Ripper, Callum Turner as the favourite to be the next Bond. It's all a beffudling mystery. I am perplexed sir. Perplexed.

VERDICT - A big no thank you. Not on your nelly.

TOM BLYTH

WHO? - English actor who gained fame for starring as the ruthless Coriolanus Snow in The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes. Blyth was absolutely brilliant playing a prison inmate in a recent film called Wasteman. Six feet tall, black hair, scrubs up quite well and can be suave and handsome. Can project danger and moral ambiguity. The perfect age (31). You know what? I think Tom Blyth could do it. I'm in. Tom Blyth as James Bond. I'd watch that. Have we actually found our candidate to endorse? I think we might have.

Blyth reminds me sometimes of the 1970s actor Jon Finch. But he's a more versatile actor than Finch. I enjoy Jon Finch but he basically did the same performance in everything. Why is Blyth 66-1 on William Hill? Why is he so rarely mentioned? He seems to be a feasible candidate on paper and indeed Fuzzy Felt. One more thing squire, if I might be so bold. Blyth has talked about how much he loves James Bond and how it would be an honour to do it.

So if he got the part it wouldn't be a repeat of the Craig era - where (whether this perception is fair or unfair) you got the impression the leading man felt it was all slightly beneath him but soldiered on purely for the dosh. Yes, why not. Tom Blyth as Bond. Great actor, looks good in a suit. Not too famous or associated with other parts. It could work. And if Tom Blyth's agent is reading this, I'd prefer a postal order to a Gregory Peck.

VERDICT: Tom Blyth as James Bond. Why not?, as Barry Norman never actually said.

AARON PIERRE

WHO? - 6'3, a commanding presence with alpha male swagger. Known for Rebel Ridge and Lanterns. A veteran of stage shows supporting Basil Brush. Pierre could play Bond well in all probability. Is Aaron Pierre under consideration by Amazon-MGM? I really don't know. I haven't a clue mate. Most likely not because he rarely features in any fresh speculation these days.

Pierre would be the first black James Bond. Does that matter? If he's genuinely deemed the best person for the part I suppose he should get the job. There's no reason why an MI6 agent in 2026 shouldn't or couldn't be black. This not a period piece set in the 1950s - where it would be slightly more of an incongruence to have a black James Bond. Would it not be better and less patronising though to create new interesting roles and heroes for black actors rather than race swap characters like James Bond? I don't know. It's a tricky subject to navigate. Leave me out of that one babes.

I don't know what the perception would be to Pierre's casting. It would probably put the cat among the pigeons on forums. Some people would love the idea and others wouldn't. Aaron Pierre is good though. He's on the up and has charisma and a screen presence. One thing which might preclude him from Bond are his commitments to the DC Universe. Would he even be available? I don't know. I'm not up to date with superhero films and television. Aaron might be one of those actors where he wouldn't even want Bond anyway. He's definitely not going to be short of work and a few bob in the future.

VERDICT: Good actor but I'd prefer to see him in other roles.

JOSH O'CONNOR

WHO? - Well respected actor known for things like The Crown (in which he played Sarah Ferguson), Challengers (where he played Björn Borg) and Disclosure Day (where he won plaudits for his portrayal of Bernie Clifton). There's no doubt that Josh O'Connor has the acting chops to play Bond. He'd probably be good. But does he look the part? Seems a bit wimpy (though he could always bulk up) and his lugholes do unavoidably stand out. We are in a familiar situation here where the actor is really good but I am not convinced I would buy them as Bond visually.

At 36 (why do so many of these candidates seem to be 36? - someone telephone the Arthur C Clarke hotline again), Josh O'Connor is also getting on the old side for what is supposed to be a fresh slate with a younger Bond. It would be strange if, after jabbering on about a young Bond for months, Amazon then cast some 38 year-old (which is exactly what happened with Casino Royale) who would be in his forties for the bulk of his films. This wouldn't have bothered Cubby Broccoli. If Cubby was around today he'd just cast Aidan Turner or Henry Cavill and wouldn't care if they were in their early forties. Things are supposed to be different this time around - which is why I tediously keep taking the ages into consideration. 

Josh O'Connor has made light of his Bond chances and joked that he started the rumours. This indicates that he doesn't take it seriously and doesn't want the part. And why would he? He has plenty of options and doesn't need to manacle himself to a franchise like Bond for the next ten years of his life. So, no, I don't think this one has any legs. It probably isn't going to happen. If Josh O'Connor is cast as Bond I will eat nothing but Rich Tea Biscuits for dinner for an entire year. That's how confident I am he won't be falling out of a rubber dinghy when they unveil the new Bond at Huddersfield Leisure Centre.

VERDICT: Good actor but probably not Bond.

TOM HOLLAND

WHO? - Spider Man. That's who and that's where Mr Holland should remain. The ability to play parts in the acting world is not a wholly transferable skill which applies to any role and any production. Leo McKern could play Horace Rumpole better than any man alive but you wouldn't cast him as Tarzan. Peter Falk could play Columbo better than anyone on the planet but you wouldn't want him as Batman. Tom Holland is an excellent Peter Parker but we really don't want a 5'8 Bond who looks like a little kid. That's the end of the matter. Finito. Stop putting Tom Holland in Bond betting lists. Stop it.

There was an episode of EastEnders where Nick Cotton asked Frank Butcher if he had any jobs going at the car lot. Imagine hiring Nick Cotton as a new employee. You'd come back from lunch and find all the cars gone and the place in flames. Frank Butcher just laughed at Nick Cotton and said "No way, José." When it comes to Tom Holland as Bond I am Frank Butcher, in trilby hat and tinted glasses, amused by the sheer impudence of this outrageous suggestion. No way, José. Stop mugging me off you melt. This is not a serious proposition. It is about on the level of Sun articles in the 1980s claiming that Roger Moore was going to be replaced by the suavely mustached sitcom actor Peter Bowles.

VERDICT: Behave yourself.

BEN RADCLIFFE

WHO? - Yorkshire born Ben Radcliffe has been bubbling under the surface and lurking around the fringes of fame for a while now. You may have seen him in things like The Witcher and Masters of Air. I haven't seen any of those but you might have. Radcliffe has an old-fashioned sixties leading man look, seems to have packed on the muscle lately, and is also a dancer - so his Bond would move well if nothing else. Many of the raw ingredients needed to be Bond can be found in Radcliffe.

He showed with Fackham Hall that he can do comedy and the action would be no problem. Ben Radcliffe is not the most acclaimed actor on this list but does that really matter? You don't have to be Dustin Hoffman to play James Bond. This is not Death of a Salesman. The most important thing is that you look and embody the part. If Amazon are true to their word and are really looking for a younger Bond then Ben Radcliffe should logically be in the mix. I would be very surprised if he wasn't interviewed or given an audition.

VERDICT: Why not? I could live with Ben Radcliffe as Bond.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

WHO? - Of all the people most strongly linked to Bond in the past few years you could argue that Aaron Taylor-Johnson looks the most like 007. Yes, he can be quite smirky and annoying and wouldn't be everyone's mug of Ovaltine but Taylor-Johnson would at least look the part and you can't say that about many of these candidates. With some of these actors it takes a lot of imagination to see them as Bond but with Taylor-Johnson all you'd have to do is give him a shave and a good old-fashioned short back and sides and tell him to stop pouting and smirking. Bob's your uncle. 

A few years ago Aaron Taylor-Johnson was the clear favourite but he seems to have drifted out of the conversation lately. The general theory is that Taylor-Johnson was Barbara Broccoli's favoured son to succeed Craig. Babs is pals with Aaron's trouble and strife and, even without this link, he seemed like an obvious person to consider as Bond. Once Babs was elbowed out of the equation by those greedy megalomaniacs at Amazon the picture changed and Aaron was no longer the heir apparent.

Taylor-Johnson is 36 now and his Bond odds have gone cooler than a buttered crumpet left on the window sill in Siberia. I think Taylor-Johnson could have been a decent Bond but it doesn't look likely to happen anymore. Is he being considered by Amazon-MGM? I've got no idea squire. One more thing. Why does everyone moan about his voice? You'd think he sounded like Sweep from The Sooty Show.

VERDICT - This ship seems to have sailed. Or has it?

PATRICK GIBSON

WHO? - Irish actor who has played the young Dexter and (more pertinently to the conversation at hand) Bond in 007 First Light. Why not just transplant the Bond from that game into the new film and hire Gibson? Bob's your uncle. Job done. That was easy. Well, hold your horses for a moment. A film is not a video game. You can make Bond look how you want in a video game but in a film you are actually going to get the real life Patrick Gibson - a skinny fella with ginger hair. Sure, he can bulk up and dye his hair but does he really have the requisite looks and aura to play a swaggering alpha male like Bond? That is the question. Please send your answers on the back of a postcard to any website of your choosing. Just not this one.

VERDICT: Nice idea but probably not a realistic or sensible one.

JACK BARTON

WHO? - Ok, I give in, by popular demand here is Jack Barton. Now the current betting favourite with Paddy Power. Jack Barton made his acting debut as Zippo - one of the Double Deckers. Get on board! Get on board! Come and join the Double Deckers! Take a ticket! For a journey! On a double decker London bus! Jack then enjoyed a long stint as Lionel Beale in EastEnders. Lionel was the long lost estranged psychotic son of Ian Beale. Lionel made quite a splash when he turned up in Albert Square. There were a fair few strangulations and axe murders on the show that year I can tell you. The most heartless act of Lionel Beale was to frame Arthur Fowler for the theft of the Christmas Club money. Poor old Arthur had a nervous breakdown and threw a cup of tea over himself.

Jack then had an equally long stint in Emmerdale as Breville - the long lost son of Amos Brearly. Breville Brearly had escaped from the local lunatic asylum across the moors. He ended up taking everyone hostage in the Woolpack. The villagers turned the tables in the end and Seth Armstrong battered Breville to death with a giant Yorkshire Pudding. While the other Bond contenders have weakly jostled for position like inept fools, Jack Barton has calmly emerged like a sleeping giant and swatted them all aside with an imperious smirk and a wry mustache.

It's impossible for any current living actor to compete with the smouldering sex appeal and macho virility of Jack Barton. The part is his to lose. If he was cast it would be like a million Christmases all at once for lucky Bond fans. It would be like winning the lottery. We'd be dizzy with glee and childish excitment. We probably wouldn't be able to sleep ever again. Make it so Den Boy Villeneuve. Make our dreams come true and cast Jack Barton. Give him anything he wants. A hundred million dollars, his own trailer made of gold, all the Lucozade he can drink. No price is too high.

VERDICT: Jack Barton IS James Bond.

We have reached the end of our scientific analysis of the Bond candidates currently flooding the zone. Not the most inspiring bunch is it? There's no Lewis Collins, Aidan Turner or Pierce Brosnan here. No blindingly obvious candidate who stands out from the pack. Some of them would be ok. There are candidates here I don't mind. If you put a Walther PPK to my head and forced me to choose, I’d probably pick Tom Blyth. If I was casting Bond for this film, I would give the likes of Callum Turner, O'Connell and Jack Lowden a very wide bearth. They'd have no chance. If I saw Callum Turner sauntering up to my office I'd lock the door and hide.

What is the point of casting a Callum Turner or Lowden in a big refresh/reset when they will be in their forties by the time of their second film? If you are going to compromise on the younger Bond concept you might as well just hire Cavill or Aidan Turner and do a quick three films with them. So if it was up to me, I'd pick someone like a Tom Blyth or Ben Radcliffe - who would both look the part and be easy for audiences to embrace as James Bond because they aren't very well known. So that's what I'd do squire. I'd pick a younger lesser known actor and turn them into Bond. It doesn't have to be Blyth or Radcliffe. It could someone else of a similar age. Like Timothy Dalton lookalike Guy Remmers for example. That's the sort of actor group I'd be looking at. Blyth, Radcliffe, Remmers. People like that.

As for some of the other names on the list? Casting a few of them would be a foolproof way to ensure I never buy a ticket. Hopefully, Amazon has fully explored the talent outside the confines of bogus tabloid leaks, clickbait nonsense and eccentric betting markets. Given the depth of the British acting pool, the ideal candidate may well be still flying under the radar. History shows that the role of Bond does not require an established star. Much like the casting of the current Superman, a relatively unknown actor can easily rise to the occasion. Fingers and toes crossed then that Amazon has secretly found someone more suitable and Bondish than some of these muppets alleged to be in contention. And now, if you'll please excuse me, I'm off to whip up a vegan quiche and shoot some villains in the arse with a rock salt gun.    

- Luke Quantrill

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