Quantum Of Solace Teaser Trailer Review - By Luke Quantrill

 diagnosis murder, dick van dyke scott baio

"Stop Bond!" shouts M during the QOS teaser trailer. "Stop his passport!" Stop his passport? Has James Bond only got one passport? I thought he was a secret agent. Jason Bourne has about fifty passports. Does Blofeld know about this? If you managed to swipe Bond's passport would he rendered helpless? Holed up in his flat watching repeats of Diagnosis Murder? What would Bond think about Dr Jesse Travis replacing Dr Jack Stewart? Personally I think he'd get a kick out of the episode where Jesse finds out that his dad is a secret agent played by Robert Culp. I think that was also the episode where Dick and Barry Van Dyke have to defuse a nuclear bomb in the park. It's happened to all of us at some point. And on the subject of Diagnosis Murder, how come half the staff of Community General are always out solving murders? "What's that Mr Thompson? You're booked in with Dr Mark Sloan for 10 am? I'm sorry but his son Steve called earlier. He's trapped in that high-tech apartment he insisted on buying. I don't know what happened. It just came alive. How about an afternoon slot? No, hold on. Dr Sloan has to investigate a murder at the Country Music Awards later and, would you believe it, we've just got word that crazed DJ and serial bomber Carter Sweeney has escaped from jail again. Shall I book you in for next week instead?"

The action in the teaser is fine, as you'd expect, although unashamedly following on in the wake of Jason Bourne. Craig has a slightly better haircut but still looks pallid and sickly. He's not really my cup of tea as 007, especially wandering around with a machine gun twice the size of him. His "I am an ACTOR" voice is becoming stranger with each film. I expect him to sound like Brian Blessed soon. The Craigster should grow a beard and do voiceovers for Fish Fingers. Judi Dench is irksome as M. She became irksome for me when Brosnan was still Bond. I was sad to hear that the Brozzer's rendition of Knowing Me, Knowing You was cut from Mama Mia. He should have a chat show. "Knowing me, Pierce Brosnan, knowing you Robert Mugabe...AHA!" Maybe as his first question he could ask the President if he was aware that he reminds everyone of Sir Trevor McDonald's sinister twin brother. Anyway, Judi Dench. I think M should be handcuffed to Bond in the next film. She could nag him about how untidy his flat is or something. Maybe Hyacinth Bucket could replace her when she retires.
hyacinth bouquet

What else do I remember? The actress from St Trinians wearing Fenella Fielding's wig. An interrogation of that bloke who was shot at the end of Casino Royale. I tuned out a bit during the end of Casino Royale I must confess. Daniel Craig's collar was so high he reminded me of Wilfred from the Bash Street Kids. It sort of ruined the effect if I'm brutally honest. The Craigster wielding a giant machine gun doesn't have a huge amount of iconic 007 residue for me I'm afraid.

Still, the promise of a film without the longueurs of Casino Royale is mild solace for this fan at any rate. Let the games begin.

- Dr Mark Sloan


c 2008 Alternative 007